When I initially purchased Bloodborne back in 2015, when the PS4 was in it’s infancy and slowly growing into the monolithic system it is today, I had no insight into exactly what I was getting into – “Oh this looks like a cool hack’n’slash-esque game!” my feeble self pondered as I picked up this accursed devil child of a game from the store shelf…
…Regardless to say I got to the Cleric Beast and left the game to accumulate dust on my shelf after 37 sequential deaths.
…That was until last Tuesday, where I decided enough was enough. I had bought Dark Souls 3, but never touched it either…My internal desire to finally topple this behemoth grew, and grew, and before you know it, I was plunged back into the world of Yarnham.
This is the journey I took through Bloodborne.
As I returned to Yarnham, I felt a sure-fire sense of dread fill me – Nightmares from my numerous deaths to the hands of angry villagers and hounds filled my mind; I decided to pick up the Hunter’s Axe for my first run, having opted for the Threaded Cane before – I remembered it being stupidly low in the damage department, albeit fulfilling my fantasies of becoming “Hunter Belmont, Slayer of Demons and Whipper of Beasts”.
In terms of a build, I knew I just wanted to last as long as possible doing as much damage as possible – Looking into my options, a Strength + Vitality Build seemed to be the most effective, with me ending up with about 30 points in both by the end of my run. Equipment set, Axe in hand, and Vials stocked, I was ready to make my way down the “Hitlist” I had created…
Central Yarnham I – TARGET: Cleric Beast (Attempts: 6)
I couldn’t wait to trim that damn fur off this god-damn monstrosity.
Hooo boy. Cleric Beast, my old nemesis – Having been the creature that beat me down time and time again, and forced me to quit the game, I wasn’t having any of it this time; with my Hunter’s Axe in tow, Blood Vials stocked, and actually having spent my Blood Echoes on stats, I entered the bridge of the beast… And got my arse handed to me numerous times!
I wasn’t letting this overfluffed fucknugget beat me down again, though – I kept facing it, getting one-shotted by it’s damn jump attacks, trying to figure out “What the fuck is a Visceral Attack?!”; I had an idea though…”Why not use my Axe in 2-Handed mode?”…
Like the majestic Beyblade I was, I span, and I span, and eventually, the Cleric Beast exploded into a bloody rain – Never before had I been so happy to be coated in blood; both mine and the Cleric Beast’s…
…And then I stepped out and got killed by an Ogre. Yup. Bloodborne everybody!!
Central Yarnham II – TARGET: Father Gascoigne (Attempts: 1)
LET IT RIPPPPPPP.
Second on my hitlist, and thankfully not too far away from the lovely bloody puddle that was the Cleric Beast stood Father Gascoigne, one of, if not the most challenging starting bosses in recent memory – Saying this, however, I found him to be rather easy by prodding him with my Axe and unleashing the power of my inner Beyblade, slashing down his HP like a hot knife through butter.
His quick movements and shots were tough to dodge, especially moreso when he entered his second form. See, at this point, I wasn’t expecting any boss to have a second form; lo and behold, Gascoigne proves to surprise by turning into a hulking beast of a man – I was terrified – I was going to be annihilated…
…Well…That is until I accidentally pressed Square on the Tiny Music Box and found out it stuns him. You better believe I went full whirlwind on his ass whilst he clutched his head!! A few minutes of dodging, prodding and stunning later, and Gascoigne had fallen. Phew. That wasn’t so hard.
Cathedral Ward – TARGET: Vicar Amelia (Attempts: 3)
…Ruh-hoh…Ret’s get rolling, Raggy!!
Third up on the hitlist was Vicar Amelia, not only being one of the most wondrous looking bosses in all of Bloodborne (In my opinion), but one that was also tough-as-nails, and is the first major boss that employs a form of self-healing mid-battle – Catching this last second is essential to felling this beautiful beast, as without interruption, she’ll instantly recover a decent chunk of her Health before demolishing you with a huge slash – Looking like a mix between an angel and the bastard child of Scooby Doo, Amelia is unfortunately no joke.
It was around this point that I learned the importance of Molotov Cocktails – These little bottles of napalm proved to be more than potent against this monster…When it didn’t recover it’s Health, that is. Despite dying twice over to her ridiculous range and healing, I managed to fell Amelia on my third attempt – She had put into practice everything I had learned from the Cleric Beast and Gascoigne, all the techniques and parries I had learned in the short 4 hours I had been playing the game…
…But eventually she fell.
Hemwick Charnel Lane – TARGET: The Witch(es) of Hemwick (Attempts: 1)
Never before had camouflage been used so…Ineffectively.
Now from one of the hardest beginning bosses to the introduction of the main game – The Witch of Hemwick seemed intimidating at first, with her Castlevania-esque battleground…However I quickly found that she was nothing more than a cakewalk. The Witch of Hemwick’s schtick is that she summons tall, black, feminine figures with sickles to come swarm you slowly…These figures increase in number depending on your Insight, apparently. I wouldn’t know, however, as all you need to do is run around the arena, and find where the witch is camping in her invisible camouflage.
Yep. This was a SoulsBorne boss.
BUT WAIT! There’s more! There’s actually two of them! And if you don’t beat them near the same time, one gets revived!
I’d imagine the pro-Souls players and speedrunners of this game to go get a sandwich or something.
Old Yarnham – TARGET: Blood Starved Beast (Attempts: 8)
NO. NO. NO. NOPE. NOPE. NUH-UH. NOPE. NOT FIGHTING THIS THING AGAIN. NOPE. SEE YA. ARTICLE OVER. BYE GUYS.
FUCK THIS VAGINA-LOOKING, POISON SPEWING, STD-INFECTED, CHARRED, SKELETAL WEREWOLF-LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER.
The Blood Starved Beast is something that I have an extra-special relationship with; sorta like Marmite – I love the design and battle itself…But…God damn….Just….
…Just screw this thing…!
The Blood Starved Beast is the fastest boss encountered so far, with a number of extremely fast moving, hard hitting moves – Effectively, the Blood Starved Beast takes Gascoigne’s speed, with Cleric Beast’s cheapness, and fuses it with the forceful strength of Vicar Amelia. This purple prick has three phases – Regular, where he has no poisonous attacks, Slow Poison, where every attack he deals gives points towards Poisoning you, and Fast Poison, where every attack he hits you with now practically Poisons you on touch, AND he has a lovely Poison barrier around him so you can’t stay close for more than 4 seconds!!
Every time I tried to defeat this behemoth, I fell prey to another glancing hit, another instance of Poison, or another leaping strike that just so happened to kill me. Fire Paper in tow, and Molotov Cocktails on my belt, I entered for the last time, ready to quit Bloodborne for good all thanks to this melted reject from the Institute of Medical Cleanliness; using a tactic my trusty friend Aditya informed me about, I hopped around his left hand side, took my time, and before long, a single Molotov Cocktail ended up ending this rotten arsehole.
Oh, then I did the Joy Emote and died of Poisoning. I STILL WON THOUGH! HAHAHA! TAKE THAT YOU BLOOD STARVED SHITSTAIN!
…I should update the title.
Old Yarnham – TARGET: Blood Starved Beast (Attempts: 8 + 1 Death technically but I still won’t count that out of pure spite.)
TARGET ELIMINATED EVENTUALLY
Forbidden Woods – TARGET: Shadows of Yharnham (Attempts: 2)
Yharnam Mutant Ninja…Uh…Shadows…?
Honestly, there’s nothing that out of the ordinary with this bossfight that I experienced – Here we had three enemies (Which would later become standard enemies ala Castlevania), one with a mace that shot fireballs and waves of flames, a soldier with a candle and a longsword that had a mix of melee and ranged attacks, and a katana-wielding soldier that rushes you like he’s Samurai fucking Jack.
Oddly enough, I didn’t experience much difficulty here – I took care of Samurai Jack first by process of elimination, as he seemed to be the most aggressive and dealt the most damage; Mace Windu was up next, as I had to take out any long-range threats as soon as possible so I didn’t get ganked – With Maceboy out the way, all that was left was the candle-holding swordsman who was probably getting wax all over him; you bet he went down without much of a fight, and I went on my merry way…
Bizarrely though, I’ve seen fights against them get absolutely hectic, with them summoning and shooting giant snakes…
…Wonder why I never saw any of that…?
Graveyard of the Darkbeast – TARGET: Darkbeast Paarl (Attempts: 2)
I wonder where all that electricity’s coming from..? A bladder..? Its’ lungs..? Definitely not from its’ eyes…
Darkbeast Paarl is extremely similar to Vicar Amelia in terms of body structure and attacks…However he’s now covered in lightning! Darkbeast Paarl is an extremely intimidating figure, with those soulless eyes, blanket of blue and sharp claws; unfortunately his damage is just as strong as Vicar Amelia’s, just with no healing (Thank the heavens above, or hell below, I don’t discriminate)!
My main method of attack seemed to be to throw a lure down at the beast, take it from the
rear behind reverse, smack it down until it’s underbelly exploded, ridding it of electricity, and throwing a bit of Fire on my Axe before going off into Beyblade Form!! If this were some sort of low-budget action anime, I’m sure the attack would’ve been named something stupid like “Heaven Splitter: Thunderous Electrical Flaming Halberd of Beast Slaying Justice”.
And that ends the first half of this double-feature…Join us next time for my journey through the late game, namedly Rom…Amygdala and…Micolash…
…Anything but Micolash….