What does a game critic have to work with? Graphics, sound design, gameplay and story are the corner stones of what we work with… So what do we do when we’re presented with a travesty that has nothing good to say about any of that? We get to rip apart a game that probably took hours of manpower and probably a few sleepless nights to finish on time! The best time you can have in this environment!

Titan Quest is possibly the WORST game I’ve ever had the displeasure of downloading onto my PS4. The worst part being that as I unlocked trophies during my short time playing which means my console is forever tainted with Titan Quest… Worse than Oregon Trail dysentery. Let’s start where all games start with the opening. I was “treated” to an FMV sequence that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a PS1 game – Honestly my first thoughts jumped to the old Soul Reaver games that used to blow me away with those graphics; the key word there is USED to. I expect a lot more from a PS4 game and if you’re going to make a realistic game then your graphics should be up to scratch!

So maybe the in-game stuff would look prettier? Right? Surely? …No? Fuck… In game is another bout of PS1 era graphics. It’s horrible to look at. With a mixed bag of boring monsters and NPCs who seem to be the love child of drift wood and the colour beige there is nothing to look at that will please your eyes; especially not the text boxes which caused me (A man with decent vision) to squint and lean in a little closer to the screen to try and read. Then I realised that I didn’t care about anything anyone was saying anyway.

So maybe the gameplay might be positive? No, you’re wrong. Read the opening paragraph again and try to remember this time that none of this will be good. With a top down fantasy RPG gameplay style in the vein of Diablo I thought I’d be in for a good time. Then after less than two minutes I discovered that nothing works. Your character moves around with all the grace of a drunk giraffe on an ice rink with any direction input leading you to take a few extra steps as though you need to come to a stop rather than just… You know… Stopping. Combat is a tedious slog of repeatedly bashing each enemy one at a time as they gang bang you in a corner and waiting patiently for them all to die. After a few good hits to your heroes meaty buttocks you can either use a health potion which seem to be rarer than clever Donald Trump tweet or wait…. That’s it. Just wait and watch your health bar slowly refill over the course of about a minute. More than enough time to question your life choices up till moment you actually spent money on this game. What really bothered me though was the RPG elements. With enemies dropping loot all over the shop you pick up what you see only to find that OH NO your inventory is full… Again. This happens all the damn time and you’re reminded each time by your heroes monotone voice basically calling you an idiot and good fucking luck trying to work out your inventory with the indecipherable text boxes and button inputs that seem to ignore all rhyme or reason.

Music is normally a good saving point for a fantasy RPG… But not this time. I honestly don’t remember a single note of music playing during gameplay and the ambient sound of birds drowns out anything anyway! Alongside some irresponsibly loud combat noises that sound like they were recorded from a TV in a bar that just happened to be playing Lord of the Rings and with NPCs all sounding like they’d rather be anywhere but there it all makes for a boring time wandering around… Greece? I think its Greece anyway like I said I couldn’t pay attention to this mess.

To sum it all up. Titan Quest is a boring, ugly and downright obnoxious pile of garbage that shouldn’t have even seen the light of day. With nothing really going for it and without even a sense of “its so bad its good” this is the kind of game you should wait till you see it free to play. Even then? i wouldn’t fucking bother. Just go outside. see your family. Maybe even find true love. This just isn’t for gamers or the human race as a whole.