There are some seriously bad moments in gaming…But some just act like nails in on a chalkboard…
…Let’s begin, shall we..?
10) Xbox Live – The Now-Dead Indie Marketplace
Let’s start off with a big one! If you grew up with the Xbox 360, you MAY just remember an innovative little space known as the Xbox Live Indie Marketplace, or XLIM for short; this place was, in essence, the very start of Early Access garbage culture that we know and love(?) today – Filled to the brim with shoddy Minecraft clones, half-baked Flappy Bird-esque games, terrible Visual Novels and abhorrent top-down shooters, the XLIM was a true source of pitiful drunken entertainment when you and a few buddies got together over a couple of beers…
…Or bottles of whiskey. You know things are bad when your highest quality games are softcore ecchi anime puzzle games with scantily clad anime babes (Obviously with no obvious nudity because Microsoft)…
Maybe that’s why they killed it off with a shot of napalm?
9) Devil May Cry 1 – FILL YOUR DARK SOUL WITH LAIIIIUGHHHHT~
Now before you keyboard warriors rush to your desks and paint me in villainous slander for hating on the first Devil May Cry game, hear me out. Admit it. Nobody’s looking at DMC for the plot, are they? They want to see Dante, Trish, and all the other lovable characters kick some demon arse and look fabulous doing so!
So this is why the scene with Trish’s “Death” in DMC1 is absolutely hilarious to watch in this modern age. Obviously this is some heavy stuff for Dante, but to see the iconic, charismatic protagonist shed some tears and scream out “I SHOULD’VE BEEN THE ONE TO FILL YOUR DARK SOUL WITH LAAAAIIIIUUUUUGHHHHHHHTTTTT” just brings me to tears. Hilarious, sweet tears.
8) Sonic Unleashed – Chip
Oh lord. We couldn’t have one of these lists without good ol’ Sonic on here could we?! But no…This time it’s not Sonic himself…It’s one of his titular sidekicks, Chip, who takes the dusty flickering limelight! Chip is nothing short of an annoyance, a lesson of how NOT to do a sidekick in gaming. Annoying, interruptive and unhelpful even in the best of situations, Chip is just another…Well…Chip, off the old Sonic block.
Hopefully the Sonic 2017 Project can finally bring us a well developed cohort.
7) Kingdom Hearts II – Atlantica
Remember watching The Little Mermaid as a kid? That film was the shit! Being such an integral part of so many kids’ childhoods, The Little Mermaid was truly a Disney staple. In Kingdom Hearts 1, sure, Atlantica was a little annoying, with haphazard controls and annoying combat…But that’s what sequels fix…Right…?
Oh lord no. Here over at Square Enix, we turn bad sections of games into RHYTHM MUSIC GAMES.
Atlantica went from respectable to downright atrocious within a single game, with some of the highest level Magic upgrades being locked to the songs here. I still to this day rather skip it than complete it when casually replaying KH2.
…Swim this way, we’ll dance and we’ll play…
6) Mega Man 8 / X4 – Doctor Wahwee / Zero
Two more pieces of truely cringe-worthy voice acting, Mega Man 8 and X4 gave us some truly spectacular flops in the vocal category – Starting with Mega Man 8, by now, everyone’s heard Dr Light’s iconic voice acting, as the voice actor fumbles around his words, muddles sentences together, and overall just rides this flaming trainwreck till the very end. To give you a taste of how bad it was, here’s an excerpt:
Mega Man: “What do you make of these…?”
Dr Light: “Dees? Sheems to be energhy reshourshes…!”
Dr Light: “…….”
Dr Light: “But I’ve never sheen theshe type on oiearth. I don’t know where this energhy came from, but whe can’t let it fall into Dr Whawhee’s (Wiley’s) hands.”
Dr Light: “We must recover all the energhy Muh-Mega Man.”
God help us all.
X4 doesn’t get much better either…Just watch the below clip to understand what I mean…
5) Catherine – The No Smoking Section
Now for something a bit more…Abstract. Whilst not being cringey in the sense of “Oh god that’s like nails on a chalkboard”, Catherine presents an interesting scenario where it’s more like “Oh god this is a downwards spiral leading into a hellish nightmare”; our protagonist, Vincent Brooks, wether you love ‘im or hate ‘im, has himself in a sticky (*14 year old me is laughing now) situation, where he’s (Somewhat) unintentionally cheating on his girlfriend of 5 years Katherine….With another woman named Catherine.
Now, in my most recent playthrough, I decided to avoid Catherine, being the temptress that she is – The whole scene starts with Vincent and Katherine in a local Cafe, enjoying some cake whilst discussing things like work, stress, etc…When Katherine drops the bombshell that she may be pregnant.
Wow. That’s….Quite the hitter for freedom-seeking Vincent there.
Oh but it gets worse. Oh. So. Worse. Whilst Katherine starts digging into him about how nervous and jittery Vincent’s become lately, Vinny here overhears a somewhat familiar voice amongst the crowd of people discussing recent murders and nightmares…The voice of his blonde vixen, Catherine, entering the Cafe…
She looks for a table, specifically in the Non Smoking section; and what section is Vincent and his love, Katherine sitting in? The Non Smoking section. Close call doesn’t even begin to describe the tension that can be felt here, and being just another onlooker in the crowd, you feel every sharp sting, every harsh sound effect, and feel every bead of sweat animating their way down Vincent’s grizzly face.
…Sucks to be him, amirite?
4) Chaos Wars’ complete lack of voice talent
Chaos Wars…You know, I’ve wanted to buy this game for a while on the basis of one single reason. I need to hear the voice acting in this game, with the widely accepted rumour being that the head of localization for the game simply got his family members and close friends to voice act most of the characters in the game.
And it shows in every crack, every tear and every scar that shines forth in this wonderful gemstone. My personal favourite character is the ever-enthusiastic Karen…Who’s voice acting makes you want to just…Fall…
3) Hotsprings with Augus, Asura’s Wrath
What’s great? Asura’s Wrath’s cinematography!
What’s not-so great? Taking a bath with your master and his busty babes!
Popularised by articles world over that mention “Achievements you wish you never got”, Asura’s Wrath’s Hotspring Scene reigns supreme on most of these lists. Sitting butt naked with your master in a rocky tub of water alongside three-or-so scantily clad, blindfolded servants is nothing short of a bit of a weird time. So why does it reign ontop of awkward ‘Cheevo lists? Because you can actually get an Achievement / Trophy for looking at a servants’ breasts.
2) Mighty No.9’s Advertising
What’s better than an Anime-fan on Prom Night? Well…Just being an Anime fan for one, but two, being able to laugh at the abysmal marketing for this godshite of a game. Trying to figure out the demographic they were aiming for here is like trying to figure out the Da Vinci Code; were they trying to appeal to jocks? 10 year olds? Who? I don’t know?!
One thing’s for certain though; whilst pre-launch was looking to be a bit of a horrid flop…Nothing could’ve prepared us for that.
1) Final Fantasy X. Tidus. Laughing. Forever.
HA HA HA HA HA.
Yes, I know it’s forced, but that doesn’t make it any less cringey.
Tidus and Yuna’s forced laughing scene in FFX is known worldwide as the singlehanded cringiest moment in all of gaming, and, whilst it does have some form of story relevance, it’s just plain uncomfortable to watch the paced and forced laughter going on…And on…And on…And on…
…And on….And on….
…I need a lie down…