Good day, fellow moviegoers. If you’re reading this, I’ll assume you give the slightest shit about movies, comics, or the MCU. And if you do and you like Ant-Man 3, have you lost your goddamn mind?
Now, this is probably something that’s been boiling up inside, so I apologize for what’s about to come… If you’ve read any of my previous articles, you’ll know that I am a huge MCU fan.
I am old enough to remember having to go and watch the likes of Nick Cage’s Ghost Rider and X3 at the cinema before the glory of the MCU. I have spent A LOT of time and money on the MCU, going to the cinema, merch, etc. and even did a couple of podcasts here and there.
So, believe me when I say I’m a fan, and hear me when I say that this most recent shitshow of a release really could mark the end. I tried to ignore it when I didn’t think Moon Knight was that great (apart from one flashback episode), and when Ms. Marvel was a bit boring, and even when She-Hulk was GOD awful – this I thought was down to being a series.
I gave Widow a pass as it was a prequel, and Phase 4 was definitely redeemed/held up by the awesomeness of No Way Home, Wakanda Forever, and Love and Thunder. But then Phase 5 got kicked off by this absolute mess of a brown and pink blur. Beware dear readers, there be spoilers ahead…
So when Luke and I left the cinema, we were like, “Oh, it’s ok, most of the film was pretty rubbish, but you know what? It was held up by Paul Rudd and Jonathan Majors. Maybe we’re at a 6/7.” But the more I thought about it, and the more we spoke about it, I just really realized how much of a fucking mess it is, and it deserves to be back in the realms of pre-MCU Marvel movies. I could write a whole article on just how bad MODOK was. They’ve managed to give us a worse villain than the Galactus cloud fiasco of Silver Surfer, something I never thought possible. Honestly, how in the fuck did this get signed off?
AND PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKED AND THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. I laughed for about 5 minutes at the reveal, not because it was genuinely funny, but because it was genuinely shit. It was like one of those cringe TikTok videos that are bad on purpose. And this is what worries me, is the MCU trying to just become a meme? Perhaps…. I still can’t believe how badly our boy MODOK was mistreated; poor big-headed fucker. Darren Cross wasn’t exactly a strong character, but man they really did him dirty, didn’t they!
Look, Ant-Man himself and Kang were really cool, and their ONE fight was fun to watch, and (the weirdly recast) Cassie’s story was ok, even though it was like ‘let’s just squeeze in another hero.’ But…….the rest of the ant family fucking suck, and that includes the ants. Hank and Janet can do one, and Hope…..well, it may as well have been a cardboard cutout floating around. She has nothing and brings nothing. Just kill her off already, please. And the fact that the whole thing was green-screened onto a big non-identified background made nothing stand out and every scene feel like it was in the same location. And the fact that the day was basically saved by a bunch of ants who were given (pointlessly) a really odd backstory….just fuck me.
The best scenes were easily the beginning and end where Rudders was walking down the street because that’s what is good about this character; he’s a ‘relatable’ guy who has comedy chops. Not one of the big action stars, perhaps? I wasn’t the biggest fan of Ant-Man 2, and I for sure won’t be watching this trash fire again. Please don’t let them make another Ant-Man movie.
