We’re back with yet another instalment of Respawning’s Let’s Talk series, where every Friday we get every one of our charismatic writers together to discuss a new topic.
The upcoming release of Rage 2 is just around the corner, and one of the big talking points has been the cheat that allows players to play the game with Danny Dyer commentary… This led us towards the conversation of other batshit crazy things we’ve seen in video games, whether it’s good, bad or so bad it’s good. So let’s waste no more time and Let’s Talk: Stupid Shit in Video Games…
I was close to discussing naked Raiden from Metal Gear Solid 2, but the less said about that the better, instead I’ve decided to talk about Rockstar Games’ obsession with aliens because we all love a good alien story don’t we?!
I was surprised to find this actually dates back as far as GTA 1 when during the secret mission ‘Heist Almighty’ the player is tasked with rescuing an unknown man who invaded an army base, once you encounter the man he tells you that he’s found a secret regarding some alien files.. To my knowledge aliens wouldn’t be mentioned again until GTA: San Andreas during the infamous Area 69 mission (Hehe) but it was GTA V when Rockstar decided to go full balls to the wall with their sci-fi stories! I would take up this entire Let’s Talk if I discuss every alien mention or moment in this game but my highlight was undoubtedly during the ‘Grass Roots’ mission when Michael smokes some weed and begins to hallucinate being attacked by aliens in what is one of the most bizarre missions I have ever played in a GTA game and that’s saying something! A creepy UFO even made a brief appearance in Rockstar’s Red Dead Redemption 2 last year!
I love stupid shit in video games, especially when it’s out of this world… I’ll get my coat.
Alrighty, guess it’s time I tell you about that time I became the richest man in Skyrim. Because coming across some wacky bullshit is one thing, but making it for yourself? That’s the next level, bro.
Are you sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin.
I once played an Orc. Not your standard Orc though. No, Ser Grommash of Morthal was the world’s fanciest Orc. He only had three skills: Talking, Healing, and Blocking.
I played the entire game with the sole purpose of buying every item in the game and had an army of servants who did everything for me. I used mods to add new properties into the game and bought them all. Next, I used mods to up my follower limit. I became a Thane in every Hold and had each of my Housecarls follow me at once. Since I was so goddamn rich, I’d just buy all of the best-enchanted gear in the game for my “Bodyguards” and then just run in circles whilst they did all the work. I played the whole game wearing fancy robes and carrying a shield and a dagger, which I’d use to trap souls to refill the enchantments on my gear.
Eventually, having bought every piece of land, every horse, the loyalty of every mercenary, and half of the Skyrim as a country’s assets, Ser Grommash of Morthal found out he was Dragonborn. Hooooo boy, that went to his head.
So, essentially what we ended up with was a shouty man in fancy clothes who’d run in circles blocking arrows with a flimsy shield whilst his army of loyal followers did all of the work, only to be hailed as a hero. I became the Harbinger of the Companions, the Archmage of the College of Winterhold, even head of the Dark Brotherhood. (You’d best believe I pocketed that 20k and ran for it, though). Eventually, I’d become so powerful (Read: stinking rich and bored) that I decided to get on with the job of saving the world. After attempting to wage a small-scale siege on the Greybeards, I managed to work out my differences with them and eventually travelled to Sovngarde to face Alduin. And how did I win that fight?
I ran in circles whilst everyone else did the work, occasionally throwing the odd fireball so it looked like I was helping. Battle of the century.
And so, with every major questline in the game finished, I checked my skills and inventory. I was wearing a hodge-podge of enchanted clothing, wielding a Daedric dagger and a Dragonbone Shield. I had every housecarl in the game following me in full dragon-bone armour. I had over 100,000 gold, 100 Speechcraft, 100 Block, 100 Restoration, 100 Smithing… And my One-handed was somewhere in the early forties.
SER GROMMASH OF MORTHAL, HERO OF TAMRIEL
Video games are almost entirely dumb shit right? That’s part of the appeal that even the most serious game can throw you a dumb curve ball now and then. Of course I could pick one of those surprise moments but no… I’m going for Borderlands 2, a game so full of dumb shit that you’re more surprised when it takes something seriously. The moment in question is a single mission mod way through the game, shoot me in the face. If you’ve played you’ll know but if not, shoot me in the face sees you finding a lone psycho screaming that he wants someone to do as the mission title says and launch some lead at his head. Try shooting him anywhere else and he’ll be immune to it and demand you aim further north. Part of the fun of course is leaving him to rant where it becomes clear they recorded 10 FUCKING MINUTES of his ranting! When you’re bored with that just pop a cap in his forehead and earn yourself that thank you and a bunch of XP points!
Throughout this Let’s Talk so far we’ve explored stupid content, stupid self-made stories and stupid out-of-place inclusions… But I want to turn your focus to the stupidly amazing stuff that the gaming community has been doing… And there’s no better example than Hugo One’s GTA San Andreas Chat-Cheat-Command Speedruns – Speedruns that take audience participation to a whole new level by allowing the members of Twitch chat to spend Duckets, a sort of participation currency gained by viewers playing games in chat, winning lottories, subscribing and donating – This is achieved through a series of bots that take text commands, view a user’s Duckets on a spreadsheet or database of sorts, then processes the text command into an in-game command after committing a transaction, subtracting from that user’s Duckets – The whole system is nothing short of absolute genius, and is definitely the first of it’s kind that I’ve seen out in the speedrunning community. As you can imagine, however, this has lead to a whole host of stupidly funny moments where Hugo gets ganked by a randomly spawned tank, suicide cheat, has his game sped up or slowed down, or enabling his car to fly… Give him a check, and share a piece of the madness.
For me, the first thing that comes to mind is Pokemon… Specifically Professor Oak when it comes to naming your rival like “Oh Clarissa good to see you let me introduce you to my nephew… Uhhhh what was his name again?” Like, get it together Professor Oak! This is your family member we’re talking about!!!