I’m being a bit cheeky and posting this without having anyone approve it first because I want to talk about five articles I’ve written that I was told I couldn’t post. The rejection reasons vary from their subject matter being too boring, too obtuse or that they were provably untrue. Hopefully some people will get to read this before it’s taken down..

If you would like to shout at me for any of the views expressed below, as they are solely my own, please feel free to email me directly at kingofrespawning@respawning.co.uk.org. It will be nice to add a bit of variety to the usual spam I receive as I can only do so much with all the discounts on viagra I seem to be getting offered on an hourly basis.

Abzu Is A Prequel To Maneater

Hear me out. In both games you spend 90% of your time underwater, the other 10% is spent wanting to get back in the water, and the main mechanic in both is interacting with marine wildlife. In Abzu you play as a creepy alien humanoid whereas in Maneater you play as an aquatic predator, so in essence they’re basically the same thing but with slightly varying leanings when it comes to blood thirst.

Sea to table in like…6 days? Give or take

A hill I will die on is that you would be able to rip and tear fish apart in Abzu if the developers had thought of it in time, so instead they changed their studio name, moved from California to Georgia and made the experience they had always intended to: The 4th place winner of Respawning’s Games of 2020: Maneater. Well worth the wait I say.

Titanfall 3 Should Reverse The Roles

Heavily armed mechs are so overdone at this point, so I have a suggestion: For the next installment of the Titanfall franchise, instead of having humans piloting Titans, let’s have little robots piloting humans. We as a species are too quick to use and abuse mechanical creations, and so in order to establish a little balance there should be a game dedicated to righting that wrong where robots can experience some justice.

Robot in a robot…kinda hot

Grand Theft Auto V Coming To Nintendo DS!

I read it on Twitter during a heavy drinking session, believed it and rushed to announce it on the site before Will intervened. He called me a ‘gullible sack of cheap booze and shame’ if I remember correctly which to this day remains very hurtful.

I was especially devastated to learn that the other GTA related ‘news’ I had read about was canned following a threat of legal action from Lady Gaga, which would have seen Nintendogs receive its first new expansion in 15 years through a collaboration with Rockstar to create Grand Theft Bulldog. Not pictured below.

“I am the destroyer of worlds”

You’d play the shit out of that, don’t even try and lie to me.

Days Gone Hordes Were Originally Hipsters

You can’t keep me quiet for long, and this article was banned by Luke when I tried posting it late last year. The suggestion earned me the nickname ‘Deacon St Wrong’ which stuck for an embarrassing length of time, as well as a smack to the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

More a theory than anything I can prove as canon, I believe the original plan for Days Gone was for it to be set in the modern day with Deacon St John and the rest of the Mongrel biker gang hunting down hordes of hapless hipsters purely for their sadistic enjoyment. When Sony declined to green light the project, developers Bend Studio decided they still wanted to tell Deacon’s story and so used their backup plan to set the game following a global pandemic and to change the hipsters to Freakers instead.

“I’ll pump ya belly fulla lead see!”

I definitely enjoyed Days Gone, but I can’t help thinking I would have enjoyed the original plot a whole lot more.

Alexios > Kassandra

This last one caused a bit of a meltdown within Respawning, which was my main goal when writing it because I thrive on chaos. Don’t get me wrong, I like Kassandra, but when presented with the option to play as a shouty angry Greek man I simply can’t say no. After God of War morphed into portraying Kratos as a more solemn hairy Dad, there has been a gap in the market for loud violent Greek men, and Alexios fills those sandals perfectly.

I think its already too late…

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. I’m not sure how long this article will remain up for but I think it’s time these stories were told. If I don’t get booted from Respawning for posting this I will be back to speak to you again next week!

Oh, and in case you haven’t figured it out yet, Happy April Fools Day from all of us at Respawning.