Toy Story 4 hit cinemas a few weeks ago, and according to my Facebook friends it’s the best thing to have ever happened to the world.
I’m not all that interested in the exploits of Woody and Buzz. To be fair I haven’t been since I watched their second outing – Animated films tend to have pretty lacklustre sequels that feed people’s need for more of the same, and do very little to push new ground. I thought I’d make a list of the worst of the worst to maybe spare you some pain of watching them yourselves…
…Or maybe you can laugh along with me at the shite we both sat through!
To be clear, my original plan was just to list all the Shrek sequels but I’ve been told that might not make for very compelling reading.
Who the fuck watched the first Cars film (Which is also terrible) and thought anyone wanted to see more of Mater… Cars 2 sees the slack-jawed tow truck being roped into some bullshit with a James Bond style spy car called Finn Mcmissile, because all the cars need pun names you see. During a boring globetrotting adventure Mater “helps” the spy cars from stopping a plot to… Make all cars have to keep using petrol like they were anyway.
For real the entire plan of the villain is to make all the cars just keep doing what they were doing anyway but at massive expense to himself. He holds an entire international racing tournament advertised by a eco-friendly fuel he created that will go wrong, just so everyone will distrust the eco-shit and go back to sweet lady gasoline.
Why are we trying to stop this man again? Nothing will be lost if it’s just allowed to happen! Fuck you Mater.
Pixar on the list twice?! Surely I’m wrong! I mean they’re the beatbox in the business right? Sure, and when business is good sometimes companies like to slack and push out garbage we’re more willing to accept. Finding Dory was another example of a film that no one really asked for or wanted. Just another opportunity for a quick cash grab by playing on the nostalgia for a young parent who remembers the original from their own childhood.
It’s pretty telling that I can’t even remember most of the story, if there even was one in the first place; Dory remembers a thing, Dory swims off, there was an aquarium annnnnnd then a blue tang with a receding hairline shows up to haunt my nightmares for a few months. Great, cheers Pixar for that waste of time and yet another chance for Ellen Degeneres to grate the fuck out of my eardrums with that damn voice.
Oh little Quasimodo, you have a hard life living all alone in your tower, ringing the bells and wishing you could have friends… So along comes Esmeralda to introduce you to the wider world, teach you to accept yourself for who you are regardless of your appearance and change your life for the better!
…So why when the sequel comes along why are you back in your tower all alone? That’s not even the worst of it, Quasi is shown falling for another woman, a pretty young thing called Jennifer Love Hewitt, now if you remember back in the first film when Esmeralda meets Quasi she shows him nothing but compassion and says nothing about his deformities.
…When miss Hewitt sees the famous bell ringer she reacts in fucking horror! She sees him, panics and runs out the door leaving the poor little hunchback to sit alone and weep. You can do a lot of things to me before I hate you, but hurting Quasimodo is one step too far you cold hearted bitch.
You knew at least one of these was coming, Shrek has always been a part of the public consciousness as either a film character or a meme, and because of that popularity of course there were a few sequels to the 2001 adventure. Then along came the third film which sapped all the joy and goodwill that the original film had gained and the second had coasted on.
With 2 comedic giants from Monty Python (John Cleese and Eric Idle) you’d assume that maybe there might be some half decent comedy, but instead we got a terrible high school parody, a boring trip across the sea and a bunch more jokes about how all the fairy tale princesses seem to have super powers now?
There’s nothing all that terrible really because the movie is just blank. It exists to make money and that’s all there is to it. I mean Justin Timberlake’s acting is pretty terrible but I can’t really be mad at JT, he did bring sexy back after all.
Did you know that Scar from the first Lion King had an entire harem of Lion bitches? Did you know he didn’t really need to kill Mufasa and ruin all our childhoods since he had a pride of his own entirely loyal lions? Did you know he had a fucking son?! I don’t think Disney did either, because of course none of that makes sense but that didn’t stop them showing us Kovu and his siblings as the children of Scar. Showing up to mess with Simba and his crew, Kovu ends up falling for Simba’s daughter and so begins a story that again no one asked for, and just borrowed heavily from or ruined the good faith built up by the classic original!
The most offensive part being Kovu, Timon and Pumba running from a herd of wilder beast the same as what killed Mufasa but the entire scene is played for laughs and there never in any real danger. Way to make an iconic death trivial Disney. Please continue to destroy my childhood memories for money, that’s fine.
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