Once again using my mighty superior intellect to bypass Will’s clever password locks on my site access, I am able to spout the news nuggets I acquire which wouldn’t make it through editing. Honestly, ‘TinyCalves’ was an easy to guess password..
God of War: Ragnarok Has A Fishing Sim
That’s right, the upcoming sequel to the massive God of War (2018) is sticking to one of the most tired tropes in video gaming by including fishing. I’m not talking about just a little mini game either, as I have it on good authority (which I can’t name as they’ll sue Respawning for the last of our pretty rocks) that Santa Monica Studio has dedicated a large chunk of their team to developing the most formidable fishing simulator in living memory.
Gone are the days of wiggling an analogue stick until the only living creature which counts as a vegetable is torn from their wet home (no, not Exeter) to disappear eternally into your inventory. Instead, players can look forward to the exciting next chapter in the story of man and boy popping off to the ponds around Midgard to get some father and son time in before killing the God of fucking thunder.
Gran Turismo 7’s New Micro(Aggression)Transactions
Gran Turismo 7 launched recently to…reviews, and was highly criticised for seeming to not get the memo that microtransactions are the fastest sure-fire way to get your development team roasted on an open fire like delicious chestnuts. Apparently dead set on alienating its remaining fan base, all three of its fans are now going to be charged for their time spent not playing the game in a flagrant and questionably motivated marketing scheme to get more money before Metacritic user reviews create negative scores.
PlayStation Plus Pals!
It was announced just this week that PlayStation Plus will be having two new tiers added to its service in June, with current subscribers occupying the bottom tier as it currently stands. New incentives will be introduced to attract PlayStation owners to pay more for higher tiers and access more games from the new scheme’s launch.
It is yet to be officially confirmed, but through the absolute treasure trove of truth that is Reddit, I can say with confidence there is a fourth tier yet to be revealed. This highly secretive and prestigious tier, costing around £69 a month will give you access to everything the previous three tiers do, but top dollar subs will also receive a personalised email every month informing them what a big star they are.
It just so happens I’m in the market for some emotional reinforcement so you can bet I’ll be at the front of the digital queue for Sony to take my money and tell me what a good boy I’ve been.
Watch Dogs 4 Set In Oakmont, Massachusetts
It’s the crossover everyone has been waiting for! Due to be announced at E3 2032, the next game in the mediocrely (definitely a word) amazing Watch Dogs franchise is to be set in the Lovecraftian sinking city of Oakmont, Massachusetts. Gameplay will likely be spent the way the previous games in the franchise were, with plenty of NPC’s to avoid, side quests to ignore and bafflingly dull conversations with characters you wouldn’t give the time of day to in real life, only this time they’re fish people!
Insane Clown Posse Playable in Fortnite
Everybody’s favourite wicked clowns will be arriving this summer in the devastatingly huge global gaming phenomenon, Fortnite. Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope will dual wield hatchets and, as wicked clowns can never die, will be invincible characters sure to infuriate players of all ages and make your kids scream themselves deaf with frustration.
The world’s most hated band everybody!..
I hope you’ve enjoyed this quick newsflash into upcoming gaming experiences sure to enrage and entrance players around the world. Feel free to share this information around as if it’s absolute fact, and if you’ve made it this far, Happy April Fool’s Day from everyone at Respawning UK!
