A long time ago… In a galaxy far far away.
This week really hasn’t been good for Star Wars fans has it.. I’ve already covered the tragic story that was Battlefront 2, but now I have to make myself more depressed by talking about the worst movie of them all. If the phantom menace was the hype that never happened, then clones is the comeback that never came. Obviously this is my personal opinion but I speak for most people when I voice my displeasure on this film. I had to sit through some painful performances and cringey dialogue just for this single piece.
Attack of the Clones sounds like its going to be amazing from the title. I already mentioned how in A New Hope Obi-Wan references the Clone Wars. To finally see after 30 years what the clone wars were all about would be something you wouldn’t want to miss. However the movie kicks off with a quick reintroduction to politics and jar jar binks. In fact, he looks right into the camera and smiles… What a piece of shit, reminding us that he existed and isn’t going anywhere. We also get to see Anakin Skywalker, who’s all grown up now. I don’t really mind Hayden Christensen, but Jesus this dialogue is awful. He starts trying to flirt with padme to such a scale that even jar jar is wondering what the hell is going on.
The dialogue only gets worse but there’s a lot more going on that makes the movie feel a bit worse. There’s hints of interesting moments that could have been executed better like the actual war of the clones and Anakin’s turn to the dark side. However when you put these events together at such a high frequency then everything just feels rushed. We’re not sure if we are focusing on the politics, the war or Anakin and padme’s cringe fest.
For a Star Wars movie, this one is also generally ugly. Close to an hour into movie everything looks dirty and orange. It’s not a pleasing colour to look at, and with nearly everything being CGI it all feels too artificial. A New Hope managed to have an interesting dessert environment for the first half of the movie but the Death Star and Yavin scenes counter that tone throughout. From the moment you see orange you’ll be seeing it to the end, and the other environments are all very dark and uninspired. Even Naboo which makes a pleasant few scenes is ruined by the awful dialogue you are hearing.
They also went from teasing us with lightsabers to going way too overboard with the amount of sabers on screen at once. We are supposed to find this cool, but we hardly know any of these guys. We know who mace windu is but who the hell is Kit Fisto and why is he smiling at me. I suppose that’s my main overarching issue with Attack of the Clones, there’s no clear direction and the ideas they set up are essentially ignored besides Anakin. The Clone Wars already feels like its ended in Revenge of the Sith and this film literally ends with Yoda saying that they’ve just began!
I don’t know what George Lucas had in mind when he wrote this film. But if it was made in the 70’s it wouldn’t be saying shit like “I hate sand” and put it out as real dialogue. It’s just a shame that this was the week that Battlefront 2 came out as well. If the Last Jedi is anything bellow a 7/10 I’ll officially know this as a really bad Star Wars year.
However I’ve still got on more prequel to go which isn’t actually that bad and I know is a lot of peoples favourites. It’s also one of the most meme’d movies I’ve seen of all time. I hope it can revive my spirits after the shit week we’ve all had as fans. I’ll see you next Friday at the same time for some Revenge of the Sith fun time!