I’ve said it plenty of times across many articles, I don’t do well with horror. I’m a big wimp, I’m happy to admit that and the only times I play horror games is when I get weapons to fend off the nasties. Ones that actually work mind you, none of this Alien: Isolation bollocks where my gun just tickles the space monster into standing back for a minute. Resident Evil is normally a safe bet for me because while there are beasties a plenty and jump scares around a few corners, they are nicely balanced by the comforting weight of firearms to smoke the creatures of the night before they get too close.

Recently however, Resi has taken a bit of a turn and become a little more focused on the horror, a possible side effect of the series no longer starring heroic military tyres and instead being led by everyman Ethan Winters and his soft fleshy hands which seem to be attached to the rest of his body by playdoh given how often the things fall off. Resident Evil: Village was sold to me on the knowledge that the scares had been toned down from 7 and we were back in the swing of blast like Danny DeVito when we encountered a problem, be it Sexy vampire giants or a homeless Nicolas Cage.

Put the bunny down…


During my run things have been going okay, fair few dead werewolves and a 9ft vampire simp trap taken care of, I was feeling good, powerful even! Then my rotund friend Duke informed me I needed to go find what I needed in the home of another Village lord, Donna Beneviento. At first, I struggled to fear someone called Donna… then I got closer to her home. The first red flag was a grave I came across which was covered in creepy porcelain dolls. The scariest of children’s toys.  So, colour me a little nervous as I entered the Beneviento Estate, though I needn’t have worried just yet, things seemed okay in there, besides a few more creepy dolls, the home seemed quite cosy. After bumbling about confused for a few minutes I eventually found a lift to take me down to the basement, once again I felt the waving of red flags as I walked into a small workshop to find Angie, Donna’s favourite doll wearing a wedding dress and clutching the item I was looking for. She was unmoving, and I took my chances and grabbed it… and then things went wrong.

Probably some really nice views when the creepy fog goes away

Cue the creepy child laughter, the lights cutting out, and then a mannequin in the form of Ethan’s SUPER dead wife, Mia, now laying on the workshop table. As a bit of further tension, I noted that I was no longer armed, my comfort bringing shotgun was gone, I was defenceless. The game entered full Resident Evil puzzle mode as I tried to work out the meaning and uses behind various parts of the Mia model to find a way out of the room. After venturing into a well, yes, a water filled well in a basement… I managed to find a breaker box key that would let me fix the elevator and get back into the cosy house. Unfortunately, the game had other ideas. As soon as I made it back to the workshop, the lights went out again and were replaced with red lighting and a noticeable trail of blood and what looked like umbilical cord leading back to the elevator. Then I came face to face with this…

Yeah, it’s a big no from me Capcom

Suffice to say I craped my pantaloons and ran full tilt in the opposite direction. What followed was about 15 minutes of cat and mouse gameplay as I tried to avoid that giggling monstrosity as it slapped around the halls trying to gobble me up. I had to pause the game several times to calm myself and just look outside to remind myself that I was safe and well in reality! After a few near misses I finally escaped and got to watch as the creature that horrified me so successfully cried as I left… I don’t think I’ll be sad for it. After that it was just another battle with the creepy dolls in the house and frankly, that was pretty chill after what I just had to go through, a few quick stabs with a pair of scissors and I had handled the problem, retrieving Angie for myself to sell and escaping with no physical wounds to speak of but plenty of psychological ones…

I’m pretty sure I dated a girl who decorated like this
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