Welcome one and all to our new Saturday club feature ‘Controversial club’. As so much of our content is positive, charming and a lovely read we thought we’d start a weekly article where we can get a bit of rage out, or just generally be dicks! I introduce our controversial club, a place where we can all write about things that get on our nerves, rub us the wrong way and generally go against the norm.
After the recent, some may say pointless, announcement of Nintendo Labo we’re discussing what we think are silly gaming peripherals.
One of my favourite parts a out gaming peripherals has to be revolving the culture of “Silly controllers” – From practical controllers like the Donkey Kong Bongos to the undisputed king of stupid controllers… The Resident Evil 4’s friggin’ CHAINSAW controller.
This thing is stupid. It’s silly, it’s clunky, it’s hard to hold… But my god do I want one. Sure it may “Immerse you” into the world of Resi 4, but just thinking of how it would work in other games just tickles me silly… From playing Katamari Damacy to Okami, to Ape Escape… Thanks to Capcom, you can add a chainsaw to your favourite PS2 titles…
I don’t think I’ve ever owned a dumb gaming peripheral because well… I’m not dumb. I seriously don’t get how people would buy something so completely stupid like The Rollin’ Rocker for the NES or something like those stupid wheels you put on your Wii-Mote for Mario Kart.
The only gaming peripheral I own is like Guitar Hero and that shit isn’t even bad I love GH. But also… The closest thing I have to a dumb gaming peripheral is the DJ Hero set. OKAY BUT… DJ Hero was actually a whole lotta fun and I don’t really regret buying it. It just looks way goofier than playing on plastic drums.
Remember Kid Icarus: Uprising? Nah, me neither.
Anyway, 3DS peripherals. There were a fair few of them, and they were all crap. One of them came bundled with Uprising (See, that was a relevant statement after all), and the other was sold separately for £15-20. I’m talking, of course, about the 3DS stand and the Circle Pad Pro.
The 3DS stand was a frankly ridiculous piece of plastic that propped the system upright on a table, completely negating the whole point of a portable system and proving that Nintendo hadn’t learned a thing from the Virtual Boy. You’d look like less of an idiot nailing your system to the fucking wall. All of this was necessary because of a Uprising was a shooter with simultanious movement and aiming. You know, the kind of thing you control on a Playstation or XBOX using two analogue sticks. But since some genius had given the 3DS only one analogue stick and you can’t use the stylus and hold the system at the same time, Nintendo had to essentially package the game with an extra hand to prop the system up for you. If only they had some other device in production at the time that had twin stick control.
“Great Idea!” replied Nintendo. “Let’s make a device that bolts onto the side of the 3DS, and has no function other than using infrared to add a new Analogue stick to the system, awkwardly placed to the right of the face buttons so that reaching them is really awkward!”
These were both developed, sold, and implemented first party, by the way. Nintendo themselves found a flaw in their system, and then patching it up with extra bits that cost extra money and awkwardly bolts onto the system. When you lock a mechanic in their lab with two tires, and ask them to build you a vehicle, you expect them to construct a motorcycle. What you do not expect them to do is fashion two more wheels out of the scrap wood lying around the workshop and call it a car. But that’s what Nintendo did.
3DS era Nintendo just boils my bollocks, dudes. So many bad business and design choices that they killed Iwata. Morons.