Date Everything has one hundred dateable objects. One hundred.
You can date the couch, the fridge, the air, the shadow cast by a globe, even the concept of existential dread. It is an absolute headcase of a game, and I mean that as the highest possible compliment. But with that many options, where the hell are you supposed to start?
Here are my five favourites.
Doug: Your Existential Dread
Doug is the standout character in the entire game.
He is the physical manifestation of your existential dread, and finding him requires you to stand completely still in front of a blank wall for 30 to 60 seconds without pressing anything. You just stare at a wall until your dread appears.
I genuinely cannot think of a better piece of game design from 2025.
What makes Doug even better is that his story does not just use anxiety as a punchline. It actually engages with what it means to sit with uncomfortable feelings rather than trying to escape them. He is easily the most unexpectedly moving relationship in the game.
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
Jean Loo Pissoir, AKA Lil’ Crapper: The Toilet
He is a French rapper who performs cool raps over fart beats and refuses to date you unless you can prove that you are cool enough.
I am not joking.
He will not give you the time of day until you have established your credibility. The toilet has standards, and they are higher than yours. The voice acting is extraordinary, and the whole storyline made me laugh out loud more than once. I did not expect to say that about a relationship with my toilet, but here we are.
It is peak comedy writing.
Luke Nuke’m: The Microwave
Luke Nuke’m is very clearly a Duke Nukem parody: a permanently intense soldier type who is stuck in a wartime mindset and cannot stop making action-hero quips, no matter what is happening around him. Troy Baker does incredible work across several characters in this game, but Luke in particular sounds like he is having the time of his life. Every interaction with the microwave feels like being shouted at by an action figure that has developed sentience, strong opinions, and a deeply concerning amount of military training.
Incredible.
Koa: The Couch
The couch is sitting right there in the living room from the start, and honestly, she has one of the warmest and sweetest storylines in the entire game.
She is comfortable, reliable, a little lazy, and always delighted to see you. Dating the couch feels like the game quietly asking whether you are taking the good, easy, comforting things in your life for granted.
The fact that it manages to be genuinely touching through the medium of a settee is something I still cannot quite get over.
Nightmare: Your Nightmares
To find Nightmare, you have to drink coffee right before bed. That means asking Kopi, the coffee machine, for a late cup and then immediately going to sleep.
She appears during the night, and she is genuinely unsettling in a way that most of the game is not. Her storyline goes to some dark places and asks uncomfortable questions about the relationship between your fears and your identity.
In a game full of jokes and absurdism, Nightmare sneaks up on you and does something completely unexpected. She is the hardest character to find, and probably the most worth finding.
There are one hundred dateable objects in Date Everything, and somehow every single one feels like it has a personality. Sassy Chap Games are completely out of their minds, and I mean that as the best thing I have ever said about a developer.